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The classic idea behind counseling is healing and growth. Many people attach a stigma to counseling without realizing the wonderful advantages in having an objective guide to help with family issues. In any case, many of the principles that are applied in family counseling are quite effective for encouraging family growth, good health, and good communication. There is no "Father Knows Best" family or classically normal family. Every family is human and subject to human errors and emotions. Failing to recognize our humanity sometimes creates problems. Perhaps one of the most important keys we find in parenting is that children tend to emulate what their parents do more than what they say.
Basically, actions speak louder than words. Parents have a responsibility to act as role models and to show by their actions their true beliefs and values. To do otherwise, is to give children a far different message than the words spoken. It teaches them through parental actions, hypocrisy and denial. Focusing on some core principles, taken from family counseling, allows the family to function more smoothly and deal with arising issues more effectively. this provides a happier healthier family.
The first goal, a family can focus on, is the assessment of each family members characteristics, as well as that of the family's accomplishments as a whole. This treasury of positive factors and history then translates itself into a more positive foundation from which to work from. Each family member should:
1. Write down their own positive qualities and find an agreed upon number of strengths, maybe five or ten. write as much as you can.
2. Then, write a list recognizing the strengths and positive qualities of the other families members.
3. Then trade lists, letting everyone read through all the lists before the discussion begins, trying to remember that what one person considers positive may not always be seen in the same light. Do not take this as an opportunity to try to attack each other. This is a positive exercise meant to build respect and communication as well as reaffirmation of the family's worth. Sometimes many surprises can be found and shared.
4. Discuss the lists one at a time with a positive approach, looking specifically at what surprised you about other peoples comments, as well as allowing each person to state what they agree or disagree with and what surprised them about the comments. In addition, don't get bogged down in endless debate or discussion on one list, just move on to make sure the positive meeting runs smoothly and well. Try to create a whole picture of everything positive, and cherish the good moments. Specific problems or issues can be discussed later at another meeting.
5. Do a followup meeting for later, give praise and thanks where thanks are due. Work on ways to incorporate these positive qualities into more of the daily routine and family events. Capitalize on the good compliments.
6. Each person should also go over their list and share with others the positive comments about what the family as a whole has done.
The second key focus area is to establish boundaries and roles that are healthy and appropriate. These would include such things as: duties, obligations and rights within different roles. The family should establish healthy boundaries, such as allowing everyone the privacy of their bedrooms. People have to feel they have a place of sanctuary, a place where they can go. This is a basic part of our society and culture and an important factor for all family members.
Try to schedule regular family meetings to discuss and set goals, and to air out problems before they become a regular pattern or major issue. These meetings should allow all participants, including the children, a chance to set goals for things they want to do. Furthermore, positive outings for the entire family should be scheduled, goals should be looked back upon to help determine progress and where things were not followed through on. The family meetings should not be dominated any one individual and they should allow everyone to state goals and needs.
Finally, take a look at the family dynamics, how the individual family members interact. This is key to understanding how the family works. The family works like a windchime, with each part of the chime affected by its motion or action. Try to change some of those old patterns to form new positive patterns. Give people positive roles to assume and new reputations to live up to as opposed to old labels.
In conclusion, understanding some of the core principles of family therapy and utilizing these principles is key in maintaining a functional family. Looking at the key factors listed above, the family can focus on the positive instead of guilt. The family can look at where it has been and where it wants to go. The family can participate in self-examining roles and adopting new strategies that are not toxic to the family environment.
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